The Dag’s Dictionary

By Richard Glover

Ten words that don’t exist, but should – extracted from The Dag’s Dictionary by Richard Glover – a very funny book of words that should exist – but don’t.

Airfauxbics (ayr’ fo biks) noun. Any sequence of stretching exercises designed to cover the fact that the person at whom you just waved turned out to be a complete stranger.

Famnesia (fam nee’ zee ah) noun. The tendency to mix up the names of family members, calling the boy by the girl’s name, the father by the mother’s, and the baby girl by the dog’s.

Grating (gray’ ting) noun. The tight, grim smile given to someone you pass for the fourth time in ten minutes in the office corridor, the first three meetings having already exhausted the ‘Good morning’, ‘Working hard!’, and the hilarious ‘We must stop meeting like this.’

Guylingual (guy’ lin gwal) adj. Descriptive of an Australian woman who can take part in a conversation about cars, football and chundering.

Hobarter (ho’ baa tah) verb. To fantasise about how much money you’d make if you swapped you overpriced house in Sydney or Melbourne or Brisbane for one of the cheap ones in Hobart, as pictured each weekend in the colour magazines.

Hope couture (howp ku toor) noun. The item of clothing you keep around for years in the hope that you might fit back into it some day.

I-Jacking (eye’ ja king). Noun. The practice of following a conversation in order to spot the moment when you can jump in and make it all about yourself.

Lollycoddle (loh lee’ cod uhl) verb. During a long drive, to mollify children in the back seat of a car by throwing them regular supplies of junk food.

Messpionage (mess’ pee on arj) noun. The examination of a young man’s apartment by a new girlfriend in search of clues as to his character.

Queuecumbered (kew’ kum burd) adj. To be trapped in a queue which slowed down the instant you joined it.

Testiculation (tes tik’ yu’ lay’ shun) noun. The male habit of giving one’s testicles a quick squeeze or prod at three-minute intervals throughout the working day, just to check they haven’t suddenly disappeared, or been pecked off by wild birds.

Wedgetarian (wedj a’ tayr’ ee an) n. A child whose diet consists solely of potato wedges, with occasional side-serves of chips.